Tuesday, 30 June 2009

un morceau de français

I was a bit of a swot at school, so when I went on a trip to Rouen, in my early teens, I was usually the one that was asked by the more linguistically challenged to suggest suitable phrases. For example, we soon discovered a joke shop that sold, not only great bangers but also, fake dog turds which my friend Stephen wanted to buy. All I could suggest was that he asked for un morceau de merde which first confused the elderly woman who ran the shop. Then the penny dropped and she exclaimed, ‘Oui! Un caca!’. On the same trip I managed to convince him, at least for a while, that the Boudin Blanc sausage in the butcher’s window was, in fact, un pénis de taureau.

I might have had some talent with languages but got easily bored at school, so tried to translate bawdy limericks instead of concentrating, which probably contributed to my poor French GSE grade. In celebration of my sloppy, puerile approach, I’ll try and recall one example.

C’était sur le bon bateau Vénus,
Mon dieu, vous devriez nous voir,
La figure de proue
Était en lit, nue,
Succent un pénis tout rouge.

Rather poor, as you can see (I’ve resisted the urge to correct it) and, quite often, I’m probably just as puerile today. If I can find them and am feeling rash enough, I’ll inflict, on you, a post inclding some of the lewd Batman cartoons that captivated the attention of myself and friends, during A level Physics lessons.

previously enjoyed

A few years back, one purveyor of second hand Mac computers decided to describe them as previously (or pre-)enjoyed, presumably in an attempt to associate a second hand product with feelings of warmth and fun rather then unreliability, grubbiness and a funny smell (Eau de Boutique Bienfaisant – anyone know correct French idiom for Charity Shop?).

The advert caught the eye (& grubby mind) of a friend of mine who suggested the term (in full or abbreviated form) could be applied to a variety of other items that had already been used, eg condom, boyfriend, for starters. Once again, try it on for size, with a variety of objects. Enjoy!


I’d often wondered what oem meant, which I’d sometimes seen after the name of (cheap) software for sale. It indicates that said software had been supplied with hardware by an Original Equipment Manufacturer (and so terms of sale, licensing etc are different than those applying to regular retail products).

In the context of this blog, however, I was wondering whether I should insert (oem) – ‘Ooh er missus!’ as an indication or warning of a particularly gratuitous double entendre and so pass off a moment of self indulgence as knowing, post-modernist irony.

Hmmm. A teacher at my school once commented that I found it hard to leave things implicit or unsaid. I think he was probably correct about that, I find it so hard to resist, lest a little gem (no matter how small in size or poor in quality) might be overlooked.

Monday, 29 June 2009

in case you wondered...

my dictionary indicates that

a modicum is ‘a small, indefinite quantity’, a moderate or token amount
(from the Latin, a little way)

and relish: vigorous and enthusiastic enjoyment
or a spicy or savoury condiment
or the taste experience when a savoury condiment is taken into the mouth
or to anticipate eagerly
or simply to take pleasure in
(from the Old French, something remaining, left behind)

and savoury: morally respectable or inoffensive
or piquant, having an agreeably pungent taste
or mouth-watering, pleasing to the sense of taste
(from the Old French)

Take your pick! Dictionaries are so much fun!

mmm... Lecke!

Love Cheese

– the name says it all, really – the rest is up (or down) to what your twisted mind comes up with!

My brother gave this to me, Xmas 2007, along with a selection of cheese knives and a lump of grittily salty cheddar, saying, ‘I know you don’t like to eat cheese but I thought you’d enjoy these.’ It won’t be a surprise to you if I observe that myself and my brother have obviously have communication problems!

I do like some cheeses but generally avoid them because of their fat content. I passed this little treat on to a less caseically inhibited friend.


You probably know that shisha (pronounced sheesha) is what Arabs call a water (‘hookah’) pipe. What you might not know is that they also use it as a euphemism for fellatio, similar to the French ‘faire le pipe’, if I recall correctly.

mmm... Lecke!

German for ‘mmm, yummy’ but somehow more evocative, maybe because pronouncing the ‘l’ involves the use of the tongue (rather like ‘relish’ or ‘lesbian’), although lips give the ‘m’ in yummy a sensuality too. (Also the name of a snack bar I once saw in a German railway station.}

Just thought I’d share this with you – feel free to give the phrase a test drive, where appropriate, and let me know how it goes...

introducing the MattRuss

Earlier today, whilst appreciating a twitpic of Matthew Horne with Russell Tovey, it just hit me...

What I wouldn’t give for a roll on that MattRuss...

Yes, yes, yes, a little gratuitous, I know and actually, sweet though the both of them are and (from time to time) funny too, neither are really my type but sometimes these things just slip out, irresistible!

introducing le thang

Earlier today on twitter, David Schneider described how he narrowly avoided a faux pas when trying to construct a man thong composite – à la moob. The solution, of course, is to call it a ‘thang’ as in ‘Shake that thang!’ or even ‘Twang that thang’. Oh, the lovely images that brings to mind!

Some years back, I was chatting with a local in a rather quaint gay pub – the Fox & Hounds – in rural Essex. He was recalling a previous evening where one of the local leather queens was sat up on the bar wearing a leather and chain thong. Surely the chain must have tweaked uncomfortably and cleaning it must have been a challenge – boldly going where Brasso had never been before!

A couple of weeks back, I heard that a neighbour of my parents (who live on a nondescript 60s estate on the outskirts of Leicester – fairly middle class but not genteel) had been woken, one night, by a noise coming from outside. Upon tweaking the nets, she observed a ladette (who had, with her mates, recently rented the house across the road) stood across the road, wearing a thong, shouting to her mate, ‘Wait a minute, I ain’t fucking dressed yet!’ What made hearing it even stranger was that it was my mother who was telling the story and it was the first time I’d heard her use the f word. Standards aren’t what they used to be – there goes the neighbourhood!

In case anyone is in any doubt, I’m certainly not a fan of either thong or thang! (Mercifully, I have no photos to illustrate this post)


In spite of good intention to avoid laziness, I must confess my first entries are little more than retweets from my twitter account. Must try harder (furrowed brow)...

fresh from Farmer Giles...

...these little beauties might look like something you might find in a pathology lab though, actually, they’re figs stuffed with walnuts (from the ‘Farmer Giles’ range, perhaps)

goat for party

...as featured on twitter, they must have some wild parties in Luxor, Egypt, (and they do home delivery too!