Sunday, 16 August 2009

a few wispy bits...

A few years back, I was at a BBQ with another gay man, of similar sensibility, were introduced, by an Australian lesbian to the expression ‘pant beard’ which we soon transformed amidst much sniggering into ‘pantie beard’.

A year or so earlier, I was en route to a raunchy gay club in Paris with another gay acquaintance, when conversation turned to trimming one’s ‘bush’, then collapsed into hysteria over possibilities of pubic topiary.

Since thrilled by the arrival of my own body hair at puberty, indicating the onset of a sexually thrilling manhood (which, in many ways, has still not manifested), I have tended to be attracted to bodily hirsuteness (in spite of a very brief early period when I thought I wanted otherwise). This preference is generally against the grain in the gay world and the straight one, except in the shadowlands of bear fanciers.

In spite of this, for the sake of appealing to a ‘broader market’, I have made some sortées into the world of pubic depilation, though have to report that my experience has yielded, at best, a great deal of irritation and, at worst, some nasty inflammation and nicks. Accepting that I probably have ‘the wrong sort of skin’ for this kind of enhancement, I have fallen back on giving myself a periodic trim.

I must add that I generally find a ‘shaven haven’ (to borrow terminology usually applied to the opposite gender) or a ‘stripped willow’ (to invent one of my own) to be a bit of a turn off. At best it appears, to me, to be a little ‘plastic’ and, at worst, repulsively pre-pubescent.

On the other hand, neglected, I suppose things can get somewhat out of hand, as featured in the following ‘Smack the Pony’ clip:

dunna dunna dunna dunna, dunna dunna dunna dunna...

During the more tedious moments (of which there were far too many) of our A-Level physics lessons at school, myself and some of my mates used to amuse our puerile minds with smutty cartoons inspired by the most recent Batman adventures. I didn’t realise until much later, reading an interview with Adam West, who played Batman, that the many of the lines were ad libs, delivered with full awareness of their campness and potential for double entendre.

The best of the cartoons were drawn by DM aka ‘the dark horse’, whilst myself and JW did my best. JW still managed an A grade and pursued a career in physics whereas I only managed a B and ended up doing all kinds of things. I must confess that, typically, what I lacked in wit and draughtsmanship, I made up for in smuttiness. More shameful than that is that I still have most of them. Here are a few for your perusal (Top, courtesy of DM, then JW then bottom, yours truly).

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

twecosystem blogus interruptus

I have recently rather neglected my blogs (rarely even feeding the poor fish – fortunately, plenty of smuts here to feast on) having become sucked into the twecosystem of twitter.

To begin with, like so many, I was snapping at the heels of the celebs, hoping to be noticed, including the inevitable @StephenFry - perhaps a follow him should be an automatic part of the signing up process! I was thrilled to get an occasional reply but you very rarely get followed back. So, thinking I would remain one of the unfollowed, except by bizarre or banal species of Spambots, I resigned myself to being a confirmed bottom feeder – no surprise there, I hear you all say!

However, I eventually, acquired a couple of genuine followers then, via @MrsStephenFry and the netherlanders: first hapless, lovelorn @Raymondstar, then the filthy, @DirrtyHans and Essex expat, the ‘modell’ @TheCristal plus, latterly, the lovely Fluffy, @MrsFrysPussy and the much put upon @Voolfiessonn, I fell in with a swarm of fellow followers (although, I prefer the term, fellow travellers, simultaneously more equitable and more dubious!). They proved to be just as entertaining as the celebs but much more friendly. I must also acknowledge the rôle that Marmite played, easing my passage into this niche.

Thus I find myself in a pond of often exquisite smuttiness, though still regularly manage to overdo it with the gratuitous double entendres but, generally they are kind enough not to mind and usually give as much as they get which appeals to my, ahem, versatile, inclinations.

The witty denizens of the twecosystem appear to fall into two main species which I might turn the honers and the cuffers. The former will present something lovingly honed that they prepared earlier, whilst the latter will improvise, tweeting on the hoof as it were. I generally fall into the hoofer subspecies, a cuffer with ironically poovish (for our foreign cousins, iron hoof = poof, homosexual, in rhyming slang) undertones, squirting my tweets hither and thither, with gay abandon and, sometimes, a little too carelessly.

A final word on the spambots, from the banal Shelley Ryan (whose variants sometimes return to follow several times a day after being blocked) & her sisters, offering marketing opportunities or tooth whitening, with too many numbers or random letters in their names, to the pornobots like Horny Kitty, plus the occasional exotic that I resist blocking, like Kalyn Raphael of ‘The Golden Flow and the Toltec Mystery School’. I hate to think what they’re channelling (I expect it involves juices of some kind) but hope it’s not showers.

Anyhoo TTTFN (tata twitters for now)!

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

in the pipeline

Hot off the press: a few fragrant items coming soon, I hope, including twecosystem, wispy bits and, perhaps, Batman & Robin too!

Sunday, 5 July 2009

content warning!

...always makes me smile. I don’t plan to include anything very shocking or adult in this blog – it’s usually more likely to lean towards the opposite – being puerile or even infantile at times. Certainly there are periodic lapses of taste and the mentioning of things that probably shouldn’t be repeated so, perhaps, an ‘Incontinence Warning’ might have been more apt.

PS the labels were far more amusing before they became alphabetised!

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

un morceau de français

I was a bit of a swot at school, so when I went on a trip to Rouen, in my early teens, I was usually the one that was asked by the more linguistically challenged to suggest suitable phrases. For example, we soon discovered a joke shop that sold, not only great bangers but also, fake dog turds which my friend Stephen wanted to buy. All I could suggest was that he asked for un morceau de merde which first confused the elderly woman who ran the shop. Then the penny dropped and she exclaimed, ‘Oui! Un caca!’. On the same trip I managed to convince him, at least for a while, that the Boudin Blanc sausage in the butcher’s window was, in fact, un pénis de taureau.

I might have had some talent with languages but got easily bored at school, so tried to translate bawdy limericks instead of concentrating, which probably contributed to my poor French GSE grade. In celebration of my sloppy, puerile approach, I’ll try and recall one example.

C’était sur le bon bateau Vénus,
Mon dieu, vous devriez nous voir,
La figure de proue
Était en lit, nue,
Succent un pénis tout rouge.

Rather poor, as you can see (I’ve resisted the urge to correct it) and, quite often, I’m probably just as puerile today. If I can find them and am feeling rash enough, I’ll inflict, on you, a post inclding some of the lewd Batman cartoons that captivated the attention of myself and friends, during A level Physics lessons.

previously enjoyed

A few years back, one purveyor of second hand Mac computers decided to describe them as previously (or pre-)enjoyed, presumably in an attempt to associate a second hand product with feelings of warmth and fun rather then unreliability, grubbiness and a funny smell (Eau de Boutique Bienfaisant – anyone know correct French idiom for Charity Shop?).

The advert caught the eye (& grubby mind) of a friend of mine who suggested the term (in full or abbreviated form) could be applied to a variety of other items that had already been used, eg condom, boyfriend, for starters. Once again, try it on for size, with a variety of objects. Enjoy!


I’d often wondered what oem meant, which I’d sometimes seen after the name of (cheap) software for sale. It indicates that said software had been supplied with hardware by an Original Equipment Manufacturer (and so terms of sale, licensing etc are different than those applying to regular retail products).

In the context of this blog, however, I was wondering whether I should insert (oem) – ‘Ooh er missus!’ as an indication or warning of a particularly gratuitous double entendre and so pass off a moment of self indulgence as knowing, post-modernist irony.

Hmmm. A teacher at my school once commented that I found it hard to leave things implicit or unsaid. I think he was probably correct about that, I find it so hard to resist, lest a little gem (no matter how small in size or poor in quality) might be overlooked.

Monday, 29 June 2009

in case you wondered...

my dictionary indicates that

a modicum is ‘a small, indefinite quantity’, a moderate or token amount
(from the Latin, a little way)

and relish: vigorous and enthusiastic enjoyment
or a spicy or savoury condiment
or the taste experience when a savoury condiment is taken into the mouth
or to anticipate eagerly
or simply to take pleasure in
(from the Old French, something remaining, left behind)

and savoury: morally respectable or inoffensive
or piquant, having an agreeably pungent taste
or mouth-watering, pleasing to the sense of taste
(from the Old French)

Take your pick! Dictionaries are so much fun!

mmm... Lecke!

Love Cheese

– the name says it all, really – the rest is up (or down) to what your twisted mind comes up with!

My brother gave this to me, Xmas 2007, along with a selection of cheese knives and a lump of grittily salty cheddar, saying, ‘I know you don’t like to eat cheese but I thought you’d enjoy these.’ It won’t be a surprise to you if I observe that myself and my brother have obviously have communication problems!

I do like some cheeses but generally avoid them because of their fat content. I passed this little treat on to a less caseically inhibited friend.


You probably know that shisha (pronounced sheesha) is what Arabs call a water (‘hookah’) pipe. What you might not know is that they also use it as a euphemism for fellatio, similar to the French ‘faire le pipe’, if I recall correctly.

mmm... Lecke!

German for ‘mmm, yummy’ but somehow more evocative, maybe because pronouncing the ‘l’ involves the use of the tongue (rather like ‘relish’ or ‘lesbian’), although lips give the ‘m’ in yummy a sensuality too. (Also the name of a snack bar I once saw in a German railway station.}

Just thought I’d share this with you – feel free to give the phrase a test drive, where appropriate, and let me know how it goes...

introducing the MattRuss

Earlier today, whilst appreciating a twitpic of Matthew Horne with Russell Tovey, it just hit me...

What I wouldn’t give for a roll on that MattRuss...

Yes, yes, yes, a little gratuitous, I know and actually, sweet though the both of them are and (from time to time) funny too, neither are really my type but sometimes these things just slip out, irresistible!

introducing le thang

Earlier today on twitter, David Schneider described how he narrowly avoided a faux pas when trying to construct a man thong composite – à la moob. The solution, of course, is to call it a ‘thang’ as in ‘Shake that thang!’ or even ‘Twang that thang’. Oh, the lovely images that brings to mind!

Some years back, I was chatting with a local in a rather quaint gay pub – the Fox & Hounds – in rural Essex. He was recalling a previous evening where one of the local leather queens was sat up on the bar wearing a leather and chain thong. Surely the chain must have tweaked uncomfortably and cleaning it must have been a challenge – boldly going where Brasso had never been before!

A couple of weeks back, I heard that a neighbour of my parents (who live on a nondescript 60s estate on the outskirts of Leicester – fairly middle class but not genteel) had been woken, one night, by a noise coming from outside. Upon tweaking the nets, she observed a ladette (who had, with her mates, recently rented the house across the road) stood across the road, wearing a thong, shouting to her mate, ‘Wait a minute, I ain’t fucking dressed yet!’ What made hearing it even stranger was that it was my mother who was telling the story and it was the first time I’d heard her use the f word. Standards aren’t what they used to be – there goes the neighbourhood!

In case anyone is in any doubt, I’m certainly not a fan of either thong or thang! (Mercifully, I have no photos to illustrate this post)


In spite of good intention to avoid laziness, I must confess my first entries are little more than retweets from my twitter account. Must try harder (furrowed brow)...

fresh from Farmer Giles...

...these little beauties might look like something you might find in a pathology lab though, actually, they’re figs stuffed with walnuts (from the ‘Farmer Giles’ range, perhaps)

goat for party featured on twitter, they must have some wild parties in Luxor, Egypt, (and they do home delivery too!